The Ultimate Result of Ambition...

I am absolutely loving the transition from summer to fall and wish time would slow down a bit.  This year is rushing by and there's so much to take in.  The goal this year has been to learn more about love and in addition to doing so I've learned a lot about myself, what I want, and my motivations.  Figuring out where to channel my ambition and motivation has been the most difficult part.  I thought my life purpose was to be a big music executive and to have hit songs published.  Although I still love music and like to place songs for fun it doesn't give me that sense of a greater purpose.  My experience in the music business for the past 4 years has jaded me after seeing/ hearing about the ugliest things.  Of course any industry has its bad parts but I haven't felt like I'm really contributing to some greater good by being where I'm at.  Maybe I'll find a fulfilling career in music but as of right now it's important to find what will give me authentic joy and peace.

Fulfillment has been my goal yet outside of music I didn't know myself.  That's all I obsessed about and although I still love music the lifestyle, people, and "game" has me really questioning if it will ultimately make me happy.  Things I enjoy are being creative, having flexibility in my schedule, going outdoors, reading, learning, growing, brainstorming, executing plans for my future, and more.  This year I went to a painting class, sewing class, started re-learning Italian (I promise to pick it up again!), and reading like no other.  Trying to create a new world with a passion other than music was fun yet made me feel chaotic.  Without a clear purpose or direction I felt like my ambition was pointless until I came across this line (from Simple Abundance):

In critical reasoning courses using infinite words like all or none are strongly discouraged because only in rare cases can anyone truthfully use either term (ex: "All dogs have 4 legs" isn't true in all cases so it's faulty reasoning to make a statement like this).  In the spiritual sense it's more than ok to use all because God is the master of infiniteness...He can make anything possible.  So going back to the saying "the ultimate result of all ambition is to be happy at home" is such a bold and solid statement.  Make all your ambition stem from the desire to have a happy life, home, and soul.  Work to support your desire for a welcoming home, pray and spiritually grow in order to provide support and enlightenment to those you love, and actualize your dreams in a way that you can help the common good while living your passion.

Whatever my goal in life, the energy and love put into those efforts should somehow contribute to my happy home (home can mean your literal, physical home or your soul).  I'm my happiest when I'm spiritually in tune with God, when I spend quality time with those I love, or when my actions are contributing to something greater.  This saying has made me re-evaluate everything in my life and question my motives behind why I do or have certain things.  It's so energizing and freeing to act and not be acted upon.  Anything that doesn't contribute to joy will have to change or I must change my attitude in order to receive more joy from life.  

Either way, I can feel the Lord guiding and molding me piece by piece.  I trust in Him enough to know that all He needs is time and an open heart to work with me.  Sure my timeline will be different from others but that's ok.  I have my own story to write and can't wait to see how the Lord guides my ambition.

Give yourself some credit

I've been reading this amazing book called Simple Abundance which has changed my life.  It's a daybook which has separate entries for each day of the year geared towards teaching you how to be authentically you.  I like to slowly digest and practice what I read so its "lesson-a-day" set up works great.  I came across an entry which discusses giving yourself more credit.

Too often we allow ourselves to devalue what we've accomplished in our lives.  Sometimes the desire to have approval from parents and the lack of approval we give ourselves causes us to look to the outside world for that approval.  Is my idea of the perfect life something I truly want? Or is it what I should want?  I can admit that certain parts of my life originate from the need of worldly approval where it's lacking from my parents.  But what a beautiful thing because knowing this distinction can help me unearth who I really am and what motivates me.

I for one am EXTREMELY difficult on myself and feel like I fail all the time.  For so long I equated climbing the corporate latter a success and the pressure I put on myself made me miserable.  Taking a step back, I realized this hunger for business success was from feeling like I had something to prove.  For some reason making tons of money and being able to play with the big boys held my idea of success.  This year that's changed because I wasn't happy with those kinds of thoughts.  I hunger for something greater than that...something that felt more authentic to who I am.

I'm learning to accept and celebrate my life as it is right now.  I'm figuring out what will make me happy without pressure from friends/ family and the expectations the world puts on me.  I graduated college, moved to Los Angeles when I was 18, and successfully chased my dream to work in the music industry.  Now I want to make sure I steer myself in a direction that really speaks to my soul.  The beautiful thing is my accomplishments in this life will continue to be added upon.  My life is uniquely mine and just because it doesn't happen more traditionally than it "should" doesn't mean it's not as fulfilling or right.  I've been taking time this year to discover who I am and there's so many things inside of me that have developed, changed, and improved which is success.   I joined a church which has changed the path of my future.  My spiritual foundation feels more solid and I am eternally grateful.  I have an amazing group of people around me who genuinely care for me which is success.  It's time to give more credit to myself and remember the amazing effect faith can have in my life.

What's the best way to be reminded of what it is we've accomplished? Hang up reminders of course!  I'm going to hang my college degree, print pictures of my loved ones, and display mementos from some of my favorite memories in the music business.  Surrounding yourself with evidence of what you've done is the best way to lift your spirits as you prepare for changes.

I dare you to take inventory of your seemingly small and obviously big accomplishments and proudly display it in your home.  Don't be afraid to admire and appreciate how your life has been so far.  Make plans as to how your life will continue to be amazing and uniquely YOU.

New Beginnings

This is my first official post since migrating from Tumblr to Blogspot.  I was unable to transfer everything so I'm taking this as a sign to start fresh which ironically is where my life is headed as well.  At the end of the blog I invite you to share your stories, thoughts, ideas so please do!

From January until now,  I've been learning how to love and what an amazing transformation it's been.  I'm in my first real relationship with a wonderful, patient, and loving man who really is an answer to my prayers.  He is by no means perfect but because of him I've been able to know myself more completely: what I deserve, how I can improve, and what it's like to be selfless.  His ability to forgive when I've been wrong and move forward has opened my eyes to what it's like to love and be loved.

I've also discovered what true joy is because of the insurmountable pain I've experienced.  The difficulties that arose within my relationship and the uncomfortable feelings associated with figuring out who I am caused me to suffer which opened a part of my soul in a way that I was able to receive the greatest light.  There's something poetic about needing to be completely broken to receive the greatest personal revelations.  I learned so much about myself, how life works, and how total dependence on the Lord brings much blessings.  I'd rather skip the suffering altogether but now I feel more complex, compassionate, and humble.  The trials have exposed parts of me I didn't know existed: unwanted attitudes, beliefs, and roadblocks but also beautiful, vulnerable areas of me.

I've read books about love (The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm), happiness (The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin), and authenticity (Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach).  I've prayed, practiced, and stumbled my way to what true happiness and love means in my life.  I now try to have moments of quiet, less things scheduled on my calendar, and more quality time with those I love.  Facebook is no longer a priority, my finances are in order (Dave Ramsey's budgeting tools have given me immense financial freedom), and relying on the Lord for happiness and fulfillment has produced tremendous blessings.  I discovered that I held other's opinions too highly and felt out of control of my own life.

There's so much experience ahead for me and a great life to be lived.  What a blessing it is to overcome and expand.  I pray for strength, humility, and confidence in the road that lies ahead.  I love hearing others' stories: their struggles, triumphs, and lessons.  If you feel inclined I'd love to hear about lessons you've learned this year as well.